A few fun games you can play... with your alcohol!
First of all…my bad. I had a slight hiatus but let’s just say that I’ve been busy doing a lot of…research. And have you ever tried to do ANYTHING with a hangover—much less WRITE anything? Exactly. Anyways, here we go:
You’ve grown up and you’ve moved on.
Juice boxes have been traded for boxed wine and Spec’s is the new Toys ‘R Us. Barbie’s been Ebay’d for beer money, GI Joe has been replaced by a dependency on G-I-N and My Little Pony has been feeling very neglected since you discovered my little pony keg.
But it doesn’t have to be this way.
The old world and new world, childhood and (semi) adulthood can mesh. It’s like the middle part in a venn diagram or some shit. And the best way to do that is by adding—guess what—to the equation: alcohol. I know, who saw that coming? By transforming your childhood favorites into drinking games—or just games to play when you’re drinking—you not only have found a new and more fun way to get your drank on, but you’ll also save all those video games, action figures and board games from having Toy Story-esque meltdowns. Because three movies was enough for me.
Dust off that Nintendo
Really, how long has it been since you broke out Luigi and the gang? I had a great time pre-gaming the other weekend with Mario Party. It’s simple: You lose a mini game? You drink. And the best part is, since most people haven’t played since—umm—middle school, everyone is awful. Ergo everyone drinks. This game’s less about Bowser and more about boozing when you’re swigging every five seconds because homeboy on your left got another damn star.
I also was recently informed about a glorious spin on Mario Kart called Beerio Kart. It’s like the original, but you have to finish a beer before you finish the race. The one rule is—much like life—don’t drink and drive. That means you can chug it then race, race then stop chug right before crossing the finish line, or—what I usually opt for—throw the controller (preferably at someone), yell “SCREW YOU MARIO KART!” and opt to drink and not play at all.
Make over Monopoly
Perhaps the most solid accomplishment of my sophomore year (unfortunately it goes totally unappreciated on my resume) was when my epic neighbor, rowdy roommate and I invented the glorious game of Rumopoly. Materials? Monopoly, a Sharpie, Captain Morgan and as many shot glasses as you can round up. Premise? You just change every community chest and chance card to include a give-or-take shot penalty.
“You’ve won the lottery!” – Insert GIVE TWO SHOTS
“You got married!” – Ew. Insert TAKE A SHOT
“You’re having a baby!” – Ew-er. Insert TAKE THREE SHOTS
It gets messy fast and before you know it, you’re half a handle down, the banker’s busy embezzling and people are bargaining liquor for property. My rumopoly MVP of a friend once lined up 4 shots and took them all in a row just to get Park Place—and she didn’t even have Boardwalk yet.
If only that’s how the real estate market really worked.
And if the usual four-hour game of monopoly bores you, have no fear. This version usually lasts about 25 minutes before you either run out of alcohol or someone (again, usually me) throws the board off the table because they have to go straight to jail, without passing go and without collecting $200. And frankly, that’s bullshit.
Break out Twister
You really don’t have to do anything special with this one. Just drink and then play. Right-hand-red is hard enough when you have to bend around this girl’s leg and stretch to end up with your face two inches away from that guy’s OH GOD THIS IS AWKWARD. Just walking a straight line is difficult when you’re drinking; try twisting yourself into a pretzel so you can put your freaking left foot on blue.
And break OPEN your piggy bank
Remember that SA-WEET Furby, Tamagotchi or exclusive, bound-to-be-worth-billions Beanie Baby you scrimped and scraped and worked and cried to save up for back in the day? Well if you were cheap or forgetful enough then, a piggy bank raid might yield enough loot for liquor now. Or at least enough gas money to drive to the liquor store. Who knew your five-year-old self had such foresight?!
Or really…just freaking play Hungry, Hungry Hippos
This gets an honorable mention simply because it involves plastic pastel hippos and, sober or drunk, I 100% back it as possibly the best game ever. Deal with it.
And finally my friends, as an alternate solution—if you insist you’ve outgrown games and toys (or have just already thrown them away…shame on you)—there’s another solution to satisfy your inner child. Grab the remote, drag a case of Coors Light over to the couch and flip on PBS for some intoxication-al programming. Just drink every time Mr. Rogers is wearing a sweater, Blue finds another goddamn clue, Big Bird makes you count and spell shit, or the purple teletubby does something gay. I guarantee you’ll be wasted before Reading Rainbow comes on. And then of course, it’s time for a snack and a nap.
Because some things never change.