It was that time of the year again.

We were glued to our couches, Discovery Channel’s ratings soared and although it was over 100 degrees, suddenly no one had any desire to go to the beach.

Hellllllloooooooo SHARK WEEK.

And in celebration of this passed holiday—a marathon of mind-boggling maritime marvels—I couldn’t help but wonder….

How can I incorporate drinking?

Because I don’t know about you, but bloodthirsty sea creatures make me wanna party.

GREAT WHITE…RUSSIANS
Milky and gross, yes. But it’s necessary to pay homage to the scariest shark of all. And although I’m not entirely convinced it exists in real life, I saw Jaws. And shit was terrifying. So pour up some vodka and milk and Kahlua and toast the real king of the ocean.

Because Free Willy is a total pussy.

UNDER THE (influence of) SEA…gram’s 7
There are very few—VERY few—times when I’ll recommend whiskey. Or condone it. The only way I’ve successfully downed a shot of it actually was when I chased with cold coffee. But that’s another (awful) story. Bottom line is Seagram’s 7 is so delightfully ocean-related (see the first three letters) that I can’t help but push it. So store the Skyy (unless used for White Russians; see above), put away the Patron and send the Jack back. Because the only liquor you’re allowed to indulge in this week is nautical-themed. Captain Morgan and Sailor Jerry arrrrrgh also allowed.

10 DEADLIEST SHOTS
The Shark Week staple show. The one every ocean aficionado, beach bum and now—alcoholic, needs to watch: 10 Deadliest Sharks. Except here you’re less worried about bites and more about bets as you wager shots on who can guess the most fatal fish. Think it’s the Great White or the Tiger?! The hammerhead or the mako?! THE BULL OR THE BLUE?!

Sorry…I got carried away.

TIP: This first aired in 2006. So for god’s sake, don’t play the fool—Google. And enjoy punishing your friends in the nicest way possible.

GET HAMMERHEADED
It’s like getting hammered, but you do it underwater.

Okay, not really. Unless you’re all about submerging yourself to beer bong and chugging in a more lush Little Mermaid-esque manner. Then I’m all about it. But generally speaking, this doesn’t work. Because of physics and shit.

So really, just get drunk on dry land. Kind of like every other weekend.

DEADLY DISCLAIMER
No, I’m not talking about shark safety. Because odds are gallivanting in Galveston will not be the death of you. Our infamous finned friends do gather a bad rap thanks to this glorious week, their really sharp teeth and movies like the upcoming Shark Night 3D (which I’m sooo stoked for, by the way), but really your odds of getting bitten by a shark are shockingly low.

1 in 264.1 million, according to Life.com. (Because really, what’s more accurate than the internet?)

And not to be a buzzkill, but according to the website and my calculator, you’re actually approximately 26,283 times more likely to die by alcohol poisoning. So don’t get all ocean-phobic and refuse to swim post-Shark Week homies. Because you’re in totally more danger at Billy’s kegger this weekend. Oh wassup perspective.

Anyways, I’m not saying don’t drink (OBVIOUSLY) and I’m not trying to sell you sobriety (again—OBVIOUSLY). I’m just saying be smart and don’t try to make Captain Morgan your bitch. Because…well…there are cooler ways to die.

So bottom line is Shark Week is long over, and this is late. My apologies. But hey, now you can start preparing (and pregaming) for next year.

Or just rewatch it all again. Because let’s be real—you TIVO’d that shit anyway.