Okay, not really. But let’s be real, the most-uttered phrase downtown and most commonly used pickup (and attempted pickup) line is absolutely “Can I buy you a drink?” My favorite six words…to hear, not say. Then, of course, comes the standard Q&A, get-to-know-you-so-I-don’t-feel-slutty exchange. Here’s an example:

“What’s your name?”
“Becky.” (Bats eyelashes)
“What’s your major?”
“Engineering.” (Becky’s a smart biatch.)
“Where are you from?”
ETC. ETC. ETC.

But what says more about you than your answers—real or fake—to these questions, could be what drink you end up ordering. And in my experience and extensive research (consisting of an embarrassing number of nights downtown), it’s important to consider what the drink you’re swigging says about you. So keep this guide in mind—or better yet, print shit out and keep a copy in your wallet— and you’ll be prepared when you step up to the plate.

And by plate, I mean bar.

BEER: This doesn’t say much alone. I mean, there’s a huge difference between your pops cracking open a Red Stripe after mowing the lawn and your (god help you) boyfriend doing a two-story Bud Ice beer bong (gross, but kinda badass) or a Keystone keg stand on his frat house balcony. Similarly, it can read cheap-slash-trying-to-get-trashed if you’re double-fisting because it’s tonight’s dollar special, connoisseur if you’re sampling the fanciest lagers and ales at a brewery or straight-up fame whore if you’re trying to get a plate on the wall at Flying Saucer. But either way—hey—you’re doing it because you’re fun.

VODKA CRANBERRY: I mean, I’m not gonna mince words here. You’re a lightweight, a female, or 14.
Or you’re battling a UTI. And if that’s the case, props for multi-tasking.

TEQUILA SHOTS: You like to party, you’re prone to dancing on bars, and you’ve probably gotten naked in public at one point or another. Tequila—that fickle bitch—has yet to do you wrong…yet.
Also, we’d absolutely be best friends.

WHISKEY AND COKE: I can’t think of a more popular drink…that’s more disgusting. Yet all my boy friends (don’t be ridiculous, I’m talking friends that are boys) go ape shit for some Jack or Jameson, which has led me to the conclusion that whiskey and coke says you’re totalllly (bro-tally?) manly. Or just a Southern girl.

WATER: Your ass better be DD’ing, on probation, training for a marathon or bankrupt.
Just kidding. I’m not hatin’ if you wanna get krunk on some H2O. Dats real. Hydration is soooo underrated these days.

WINE: I mean, I’m drinking a glass of Sauvignon Blanc as I type this so I’m not gonna put you down if you enjoy a good Cabernet, Pinot or box-o-Franzia. Especially because my new favorite after work activity has been wine tasting at Whole Foods while all the fit folk come in for salads post-jog. So wine is fine. Unless you start swirling, yapping about the year, talking tannins and discussing fantasyland oaky undertones. Because that’s douchey and no one likes it.

JELLO SHOTS: If I spot someone downing these in a bar, I’m giving the benefit of the doubt and assuming they didn’t actually buy them there. (Total waste of money—see my Jello shots post.) Instead, I’m betting you’re a BYOB master with a giant insulated purse or really deep pockets. And you haven’t been caught yet. Because trust me, establishments don’t like when you bring in your own Jello shots. Particularly when you’re at Magnolia Café…and it’s 11 a.m….and the people you’re with keep yelling “NACHOOOOOS!”

PIÑA COLADA: You’re also a huge fan of being surprised by precipitation. Perhaps passionately fornicating at 12 a.m.? A Jimmy Buffett fan. Think about it.

Ew. Did I just say fornicating?