Who hasn’t been there? You decide to have one drink (just to calm your nerves, of course) before the first date with that sexy single you bonded with at Starbucks over a mutual disgust of soy milk. Then—perhaps because they stopped for flowers or perhaps because they’re an inconsiderate asshole—your date’s running late. The clock is ticking, your left eye is starting to twitch, and all of the sudden that classy glass of Chardonnay turns into six vodka shots in your kitchen –inevitably leading to an inappropriate attempt at a massage in the parking lot post-mini golf. (A subpar--zing!—first date performance that absolutely ruins any chance of a second.)

Yes, it happens to the best of us.

But what’s an apprehensive single to do to calm the nerves before heading out to see that hottie who also thinks Whole Foods’ produce prices are complete wallet rape? Here’s a few tips for those of you with a date, a case of nerves, a stocked liquor cabinet…and not an ounce of self-control.


Get a judgmental roommate
Just try downing multiple shots before dinner…or lunch…with a holier-than-thou roommate gazing down their nose at you over The Wall Street Journal. If you have an ounce of shame—which, to be fair, you might not—it’ll be hard to break out the liquor for a little liquid courage. Granted, the stuffy roommate idea may backfire when all of the sudden you’ve discovered sobriety, aren’t vomiting during your dates and are bringing more babes home than ever before. But, I mean, really –you can’t win ‘em all.

Go for a pre-date jog instead
Ha. I’m kidding. Really? Ew.

For every drink you want to have…have a sandwich instead
Every time that PBR calls your name, take a bite of a PB&J. You’ll be so busy chewing and making your next sandwich, you won’t be able to shoot tequila or make your next drink. Plus you’ll be so full and incapable of ingestion that your date will think you’re a total gentle(wo)man for letting them have all the breadsticks at Olive Garden.

Although, you totes won’t be able to take full advantage of that never-ending-pasta deal.

Complete crap…or complete genius?

Take yourself for a pre-date date
You’re a lot less likely to have a lot more drinks when you’re paying for each individually. So get gussied up early and hit up a place that doesn’t have happy hour to buy yourself one jitter-reducing $8 glass of wine. Because let’s be real—you can’t afford two. And here’s the bonus: Because you’re not spending that hour in your bathroom dousing yourself with Axe or in your bedroom debating the pros and cons of the nude heels versus the beige, you might meet someone else. And line up next week’s date.

More buzz and (potential) bang for your buck. How’s that for economical?

Just say no
…to the date. If you’re dedicated enough to make a social sacrifice to live and drink alone sans shame and significant other, then here’s a toast to your priorities.

And putting probable liver failure before potential heartbreak.


There you have it. Now granted, this isn’t a problem that most on-the-market individuals probably run across. It’s really just a dilemma for the most ridiculous ones. Which is why the solutions I’m providing are kind of ridiculous.

But I care to cater to the ridiculous.

Because normal people can get their shit from the self-help section of Barnes and Noble.