Some things require silence: Watching movies …playing the quiet game…library-ing. Drinking does not. It begs for the opposite actually, because no one wants to hear you gagging on your shitty vodka. You need music. Loud music. But I’m not saying you enhance your beer pong with some background Beethoven, play power hour to polka or hire a flutist for flip cup Friday. So here you go—I’ve decided to share with you my Top 10 for intoxication.

(Because for some reason combining tequila and techno sounds dangerous and the thought of you doing it unsupervised worries me.)

1. Crazy Bitch by Buck Cherry


Whether you are one, you know one, or you just like screaming profanities (which grows incrementally more exciting with each additional drink), everyone can relate to this song. Personally, I like it, because it reminds me of sophomore year, taking shots by the penis mural someone so kindly graffiti’d on our balcony with our apartment door open, inviting anyone who passed by to come join.

Sidenote: No one wanted to join. Damn you, penis mural.

2. American Girl by Tom Petty


Because it’s mother&*#%@*! Tom Petty and, sober or drunk, morning or night, rain or shine, THIS is what I want to listen to. Forever.

3. Caribou Lou by Tech N9ne


It was freshman year when the wisest advice that, to this day, I’ve ever heard was uttered: Wanna go listen to Caribou Lou and take shots in my car so we don’t pass out?

We did. And ergo we DIDN’T.

Odds are you haven’t heard this gem unless you’re Bay Area (Cali) associated, but Youtube it. And prepare to stay totally conscious.

4. What’s your Fantasy? by Ludacris


Is it bad that this reminds me of 6th grade? Come onnnn, you KNOW you still have the "back seat, windows up" verse you used to rap the shit out of in middle school memorized. And now you probably know that he’s talking about sex. That’s cute. Good for you, because let’s be real, Ludacris’s subtlety is remarkable.

5. SHOUT by The Isley Brothers


What’s not to love? You literally just yell (then whisper) SHOUT and hey-ay-ay-ay, hey-ay-aaaaay-ay. Yet somehow it’s the MOST fun thing EVER. And, like most fun things, it gets even funner (I know that’s not a word) when you’re a little drunk. Personally, at my (hypothetical) wedding, this is the ONLY song that’s going to play. The champagne will be flowing, guests will be SHOUTing, and there will be absolutely no goddamn chicken dance.

6. ERASE ME by Kid Cudi


This just reminds me of Nocturnal Fest 2010. And drinking before Nocturnal Fest 2010. And giant margaritas at Nocturnal Fest 2010. And giant margaritas make me happy.

Even when they’re 12 dollars.

7. All by Myself by Celine Dion


This is really specific to one type of drinking. The I’m-drinking-a-bottle-of-wine-alone-in-my-bedroom-with-the-lights-off-oh-my-God-I’m-going-to-die-alone kind. And somehow wailing a little Celine Dion in between sobs just seems appropriate.

So I hear.

Note: The Titanic theme song is also a delightfully depressing option.

8. The Cupid Shuffle by who-the-hell-knows (Okay, I Googled it—it’s by Cupid. Who woulda thought.)


This is in a category of its own, because it’s both a song and a dance, so its relevance really just depends on how energetic you’re feeling. (Red Bull/vodka or tequila tend to maximize energy and therefore performance.) And personally I’m a sucker for any song that gives you directions: To the left, to the left…bring it back now, y’all…EVERYBODY CLAP YOUR HANDS.

Unless you’re way too drunk or way too stupid, it’s usually pretty manageable to dance semi-decently to this and, ergo, only semi-embarrass yourself. And gentlemen, because it specifically tells you to walk it by yourself, there’s no need for you to grab some girl’s hips and rub your crotch on her ass.

Because, let it be known, nobody likes that.

9. SHOTS by LMFAO


Genius. Pure lyrical genius. Not only is it a song, it’s a drink order (often accompanied by involuntary fist pumping). But be careful when singing around bartenders, because every chorus offers you 32 opportunities to yell SHOTS! And, if taken literally, that tab’s gonna add up real fast.

10. We are the Champions by Queen


Because the one thing better than actually being a champion is just getting drunk and singing about being a champion. Some people excel at sports, some excel at shots. Who’s to judge which is more impressive when, at 2 a.m., everybody’s getting kicked out of the bar anyway.

Which brings me to a bonus #11: Closing tiiiiiiiiiiiiime…