Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. You learned your ABC’s circa…umm…19 years ago. But really? A is for apple, B is for boy, C is for cat? Sooooo lame. So despite not posting for around a month (I’ve been busy okay?! Get off my freakin’ back!), I’ve taken a Saturday morning—in honor of the last tailgate—to do a little pre-gaming and a little pondering and compose an alphabet that’s a little more…relevant.

And by that, I mean completely inappropriate.

If you have suggestions for better options (B is for beer?! You maverick!), feel free to comment below. Or…ya know…don’t.


A is for AA
Just kidding—it’s not alcoholism; it’s college.

B is for BOOTYCALL
Rule of thumb—if the call/text comes at 3 am… on a Friday… and it’s incoherent, and the sender is clearly inebriated… they don’t just want to “chill and watch a movie.”

C is for CAPTAIN MORGAN
Whether you’re a fan of rum, pirates or just bad decisions—the Captain’s got you covered. And Marissa Miller is a spokeswoman, so clearly a round of shots is the secret to the perfect beach bod.

D is for DOS EQUIS
It’s not so much the beer itself that won Dos Equis the coveted D-slot; it’s all about the most interesting man in the world.

Because I’ve never seen such kick-ass facial hair.

E is for the ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM
They know what happened the night before. You know what happened before. And though the tension is there, everyone is awkwardly avoiding bringing up the fact that you made moves on your roommate. Again.

The elephant in the room.

F is for FALLING
Falling in love, falling asleep… just falling at the bar. All common occurrences when you’re under the influence.

G is for GRINDING
The DJ is bumping the rap song you haven’t heard since 6th grade, everyone’s a few drinks deep and suddenly every male crotch is magnetically drawn to every female ass. Although it’s essentially PDDH (public display of dry humping—naturally), it’s totally acceptable if Snoop a loop is instructing you to do it.

H is for HAIR-IN-THE-FACE
Hair-in-the-face is the term my friends and I affectionately use to describe the kind of drunk when your hair is (obviously} in your face, you’re a little out of it, a little mean and keep angrily yelling “okay J-WOW!” at your friend.

It happens to everyone, I swear.

I is for the IMBIBER’S BIBLE
No bias here.

J is for JELLO SHOTS
As I’ve said many times before, the jello shot is a snack and a drink in one. Bill Cosby would be proud.

K is for KERBEY LANE
God bless the souls who pass out in their migas. God bless even MORE the saints that put up with that shit.

L is for LADIES FIRST
Regarding ordering at the bar, doing a keg stand, other things…

Chivalry, gentlemen, chivalry.

M is for MARDI GRAS
Hand grenades, hurricanes and nudity. Debauchery at its finest. Everyone should make this pilgrimage at least once (a year).

N is for NEVER SAY NEVER!!!!
The name of the Justin Bieber movie and my drinking philosophy.

Oh the Biebs—so young but so wise.

O is for your O-FACE
Or most likely at this stage in the drinking game, your “faking it” face or, of course, the “Oh… god, I swear baby this has NEVER happened before!” face.

P is for PICTURES
Great, because now you know what happened last night.

Terrible, because now everyone knows what happened last night.

Q is for QUITTING DRINKING
Quitting every Monday.

Resuming every Thursday.

R is for REMEMBERING
Or, you know, not.

S is for SIXTH STREET
Three times a week…52 weeks a year…four years of college.

The amount of hook-ups and break-ups, tears and beers, money blown and dignity lost…You do the math.

And kids—tip your bartenders.

T is for TEQUILA
Everyone has their own tale of going to jail then getting lucky (hopefully not getting lucky while IN jail) post-shots, so tequila…well, it speaks for itself.

U is for UV VODKA
$16 a handle and only sucks mildly.

Because with tuition costs these days, who can afford Grey Goose?

V is for VANDALISM
Because the only excuse for graffiti-ing someone’s balcony with “H-town Dro 4/20” is intoxication and the fact that the owners of said balcony were stupid enough to leave spray paint lying around.

W is for WATER
Yes, I know—all you want to do after you stumble into your apartment at 3 am after falling asleep on the shoulder of the creepy guy next to you on the e-bus is pass out, face down and fully-clothed, on your bed (or floor). But take the time to chug 1-6 glasses of H20. Your hungover ass will thank you in the morning.

X is for XYZ
Examine your zipper: Third grade lingo, but useful nonetheless. Lindsay Lohan-esque crotch shots…Tara Reid-style nip slips…Brett Favre-ish dick pics. The probability of each increases exponentially while under the influence, so keep your pants on.

You won’t end up in US Weekly, but let’s be real—on Facebook is probably worse.

Y is for “YOOOO….my bad bro”
The oft-uttered phrase that’s positively perfect for situations including, but not limited to: hitting on someone’s girlfriend, knocking someone’s drink over and vomiting on someone’s leather interior.

Z is for ZEE FRENCH KISS
I.E. when a drunken Frenchman, after a bottle or two of Merlot, asks you, “do you know zee French kiss?” and makes his move…and then asks you to go 50/50 when the check comes.

Just me?