*Note: This is a fictional review of The Hunger Games

Right now everyone is obsessed with The Hunger Games. I’ll admit that I have neither seen it nor read the book. It seems like an epic movie, and I do plan to see it. In fact, I don’t even plan to see it because of the quality of the movie. I want to see it because of Jennifer Lawrence. Interesting tidbit for you readers, Jen and I were in an improv summer intensive together at Second City back in New York when we were 16. I kept in contact with a good amount of that class because I knew that they were off to do great things (except for me). In fact, I was lucky enough to meet up with and see one of my old classmates perform at a SXSW comedy show. The point is that I want to support the people in show biz that go through the same struggles that I do, no matter if they become a Jennifer Lawrence or are still a nobody (like myself). I remember watching her on the Bill Engvall Show, and then talking to her on Myspace about it (yeah, that long ago). Shortly after, she deleted her Myspace (and everyone else deleted theirs) when she moved on to bigger and better roles like on Medium and eventually Winter’s Bone. That being said, now everyone knows who she is. I will continue to support her career, but until I follow through on that promise completely I thought it would be fun to give a review of the movie with my only knowledge of it being previews I’ve seen on TV and what my friends have told me about it.

Review: You shouldn’t be reading this review! This movie is so good, that you should have already seen it! Who hasn’t f***ing seen it yet (besides me)? Ok, but if you insist…

So there’s some post-apocalyptic wasteland… well I wouldn’t call it a wasteland because there’s food available, just not enough food. So it’s like Medieval Times, but you’re not just in the crowd, you’re actually part of the event. And you’re not trying to please a king, you’re trying to please this guy who kind of looks like Sean Connery, but he doesn’t sound Scottish. So just like Medieval Times is split into different colored teams… this wasteland, let’s call it College Station, is split into different districts. While there are like 12 or 15 different districts (I know it’s less than 20), there are only 3 of them that are really important because they have the good-looking actors in them. Jennifer Lawrence is in one of those districts, and these two guys who look like they probably starred in some Disney Channel shit are in the other two. For some reason, I think one of those guys has a British accent. So for some annual holiday, the Sean Connery dude wants these kids from each district to sacrifice their lives to participate in these morbid Olympics known as The Hunger Games. My guess is the holiday is either Columbus Day or Thanksgiving. It was definitely one of those holidays that secretly celebrate genocide. So, I feel like they completely ripped this from Harry Potter, but they chose names out of a hat to decide which kids get to participate in these Hunger Games. So this little girl gets chosen from Jennifer Lawrence’s district, which is totally f***ed up, right?

Knowing the f***ed-upedness of the situation, Jennifer Lawrence volunteers herself to participate in The Hunger Games instead of the little girl. Second-rate Sean Connery approves. So, the Hunger Games begin! All the participants get to choose their pieces to play the games. Some idiot who gets killed off early chooses the thimble from Monopoly, and Jennifer Lawrence chooses a bow and arrow. Against all odds, Jennifer Lawrence and the Jonas Brothers survive because they need those characters alive if they plan a sequel. Some kind of love triangle among the 3 main characters ensues so fans can offer their meaningless theories on love, and the general population will be divided up on which couple should be together. I may not be part of the majority, but I really hope that British Justin Bieber and the Billy Baldwin equivalent of Sean Connery end up together. Maybe it would calm down the man from The League of Extraordinary Douchebags if he had someone to settle down with. Also, it would be a twist that absolutely nobody saw coming (a gay marriage that leads to peace in College Station? Who on earth could have predicted that one?).

F*** it, this is my review… That’s exactly what happens! James Bond’s stunt double decides to marry Prince William (I’m really running out of comparisons), and the end of the movie results in a wedding very similar to the Royal Wedding. Instead of fighting to the death, and acts of cannibalism, the children selected for The Hunger Games become flower girls, ring bearers, and table centerpieces. The Dan Band (the highly inappropriate band from Old School and The Hangover) will play a set, and some celebrity that is actually going hungry will make a cameo at the end. MC Hammer shows up, and people will realize that The Hunger Games was just an elaborate game for MC Hammer to get invited to a wedding for a free meal.

I give this movie a letter. Refer to my review of Sesame Street to see what letter that may be. Little known fact about the movie: To better prepare the actors for The Hunger Games, there were no craft services available for the entirety of the production.

Congratulations on the success, Jen!