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Photo courtesy E!online

120 PROOFREAD: Ridiculous Celebrity Gossip

The Horn's Brandon Greenspan talks about how ridiculous celebrity gossip is, and makes up some of his own crazy headlines.
Photo courtesy E!online

Every time I go to the supermarket, I always see the celebrity gossip magazines at the checkout counter. I’ll be honest: Despite the fact that I want to be an actor, I really don’t give a f*** about celebrity culture and gossip. However, publications like People and US Weekly, for example, are so good at coming up with catchy headlines that they make you want to buy a copy. Luckily, I am never able to convince myself that it is worth it. It’s sad that there is an entire subset within the field of journalism that is allowed to publish without any factual proof or evidence, and people will get paid for it. Ok, I may be a hypocrite for bashing celebrity gossip reporters because as a comedy writer, I too get paid for publishing stories without any factual proof or evidence (and sometimes I don’t even use proper grammar). So I decided to give celebrity gossip a try to see what dirt I can dig up on the people we all love and admire. Since there is no way to prove if I’m right or wrong, you will have to assume that I’m right until said celebrity makes a public statement that denies my claim.

Headlines:

-The Olsen Twins have different fathers.

-Miley Cyrus says that she smokes too much pot, but doesn’t do enough coke.

-Mariah Carey is divorcing Nick Cannon for Kenan Thompson.

-Nick Cannon is divorcing Mariah Carey for Kenan Thompson.

-Kenan Thompson’s reaction to the Carey-Cannon divorce, “What Up With That?”

-Howie Mandel drinks a vial of his own urine every day.

-David Caruso loses staring contest to Sofia Vergara’s boobs.

-Sigourney Weaver gets arrested for jaywalking.

-Dakota Fanning loses her virginity to Macaulay Culkin.

-Blake Lively’s career is dying. Fashion Police earn promotion to Irony Police for a day.

-Fashion Police come to the sad realization that they have no actual jurisdiction or authority.

-Taylor Swift and Adele agree to date each other under the condition that they have a hard break up, so then they can release new albums.

-Andy Samberg had sex again. It was a three-way on Mother’s Day, on a boat.

-Every day, Brad Pitt sends Jennifer Aniston a vibrator as a gag gift with a note that says “Just as shaky as our marriage, but probably more enjoyable.”

-Matt Damon gives keynote speech to Congress. Unfortunately, all of Congress has seen Team America and will not take him seriously. “MATT… DAMON!”

-Snooki is pregnant. Santorum pulls out of race, “I was wrong on abortion.”

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