Hello everybody, and good afternoon… or good evening, or even good morning. Good whatever part of the day you are receiving this email at. First of all I would like to congratulate all of you for reaching this day. When you told the people around you that you were going to become a college graduate, they were probably all like OMG, LOL, and BS, though now you have taken that BS and turned it into a bachelor’s degree, or maybe some sort of other degree. They didn’t really tell me what they offer here. You know, it wasn’t too long ago that I was in college, and I remember some crazy things back in the day. It isn’t so much what you learn inside the classroom as you do outside of the classroom. Since none of your actual learning took place inside of the classroom, I can only imagine how wild your college experience must have been.

College is about what you have to learn on your own to survive. Learning what it’s like to live away from your pare… um, making new frien… um, having your first serious girlfrie… um, just being yourself. Yeah, in college you discover who you really are. You discover your passions. Life comes at you fast, and I’m not referring to your modem speed. There are so many new dilemmas that you haven’t dealt within the past that become daily occurrences throughout college, and later through life. It’s all moving by so fast that you need to cherish the moments in the middle. Maybe you saw your first naked girl. Nevermind, you all go to school on the computer… but that doesn’t really count. You remember the times you hung out with all of your friends… oh yeah, you have Google+ so that doesn’t really count either.

Anyway, it’s time to stop focusing on what was, and to start focusing on your respective bright futures. Many of you will go on and become doctors and lawyers…secretaries. Your ability to type at a fast WPM rate will come in handy when you register for dating sites. Look to your right, look to your left…ok, I know that nobody is there--maybe your cat if you’re lucky. Get used to that because that is going to be your best friend for the rest of your life. Get to know them well because they will be the only one you can count on during your road to success. Your road to success may be a bumpy one, especially considering that many of you don’t own cars, but there is a road for each and every one of you. Everyone has their own road on their own map. However, if you did not take Intro to Map Reading, it might be very difficult to find your road to success. Now that you are all college graduates, you can do whatever you want… in the food service industry. For the more ambitious people, you may be attending online graduate school, or for those who might be seeking a degree in a more technological-based field, there is always the prestigious ITT Tech. I think that the mythological Phoenix is the perfect symbol to represent the spirit of this graduating class of The University of Phoenix. If at first you don’t succeed, you’ll probably end up lighting something on fire, but you will once again rise from the ashes and let your wings take you places. Until you light yourself on fire again. Then try, try again.

Thank you for letting me be your commencement speaker. To call this degree that you’re handing me “honorary” is a little laughable, but I appreciate the kind gesture anyway. Congratulations to the entire 2012 graduating class of The University of Phoenix!