Valentine’s Day was last week. The thing I hate about Valentine’s Day? People are way too into it, whether or not they have a special someone. I probably would be more into Valentine’s Day if chocolate diamonds were edible. I mean, I go to Jared sometimes ... but Jared is just the name of my bookie.

The thing about Valentine’s Day is it’s just another day. The people that make such a big deal about it are probably the same people who read their horoscopes and think that it will predict their day. And writing horoscopes probably doesn't require a certain degree of any knowledge of sorts, which makes it perfect for me.

So without further ado, here are your daily (and oddly specific) horoscopes:

Aries:
You will actually know why the tower is lit orange tonight.

Taurus:
You will be possessed by Bevo for an entire year. You may start to get fat, but at least you’ll have front row seats to every football game.

Gemini:
You will be the first one in your group of friends to have a threesome. If someone else in your group of friends is also a Gemini, they will also be a part of the threesome. Awkward.

Cancer:
You will inexplicably end up in Norman, OK for a night. You will not know how you ended up there, and you will never speak of this ordeal again.

Leo:
One day you will be rushing to get to class and the bus will make that goddamn long stop by the music building. While the driver is taking his or her “break,” you will drive the bus so you can make it to class on time. The administration will be so impressed with your handling of a bus that you will become a full-time bus driver here at UT.

Virgo:
You will have a night where everything goes right for you, except for one thing ... you can’t seem to get laid. Free shots the whole night, VIP treatment, Brad Pitt as your wingman, whatever… it just somehow isn’t going to happen.

Libra:
You will find the Albino Squirrel, so you won’t study for your really important exam. Unfortunately, you will learn the hard way that it wasn’t really the Albino Squirrel. It was just a squirrel that some douchebag painted white to eff with people. Clearly, it worked.

Scorpio:
Some kid from Baylor is going to show up at your place and won’t shut up about how much better they are at sports this year. Tip: instead of explaining to them their irrelevant history, invite the kid in and offer him a drink. One drink is all it takes to knock out a kid from Baylor.

Sagittarius:
Everyone of the opposite sex will flock to you because you are a god of love. Did I mention that I am a Sagittarius? I love that these horoscopes are at the author’s discretion.

Capricorn:
You will streak at the next basketball game. Ironically, Andrew Dick will be the one to put a stop to your shenanigans.

Aquarius:
You will actually be arrested for swimming in Littlefield Fountain. It baffles me how people still don’t think it’s illegal at all.

Pisces:
You will somehow manage to break the most expensive item at the Co-op. What starts here may change the world, but you won’t be changing shit because you’ll be in debt to UT the rest of your life.