It’s student government campaign time, and all candidates are trying to convince you that they are the best people to represent you to a group of people they have absolutely no say in.

So before you decide to fall in love with a certain campaign, I ask you to consider all of your options. Yes, all of your options. This is where I would like to announce my (fake) candidacy for Student Government President.

I realize that I have the entire student body at my disposal for my Vice President. While all the other candidates make their “diversity hires,” I choose Bevo. A vote for another candidate is a vote against Bevo. So while all the other candidates have their campaign slogans that involve something with Texas, think about this ... how can you be true longhorn if you vote against Bevo? He may not say much that will help me get elected, but damn, he looks good (I guess I now understand why Palin was picked).

A lot of candidates in any election want to vie to be the candidate that you would “like to have a beer with.” I don’t believe in that cheep tactic. I want to be the candidate that you want to have 12 beers with! I know how to relate with the public. People don’t want candy and pushpins. The Brandon Greenspan campaign will hand out official tampons and all you can eat coupons to Chick-Fil-A on a Sunday of your choice. I want the student body to know that I am willing to soak up all of their concerns and that if Student Government doesn’t take me seriously, it will be a bloody mess. I am also hoping that my coupons will put enough political pressure on Chick-Fil-A to open their doors on Sundays.

Ok, so what's my platform? Just like every other candidate of the past few years (and every other out-of-state student), I would like to lower tuition. However, there is no chance in hell this is happening. My plan is that high school students in the state of Texas should enter a giant game of The Price is Right, and all of the prizes and showcases are tuitions for Texas public schools. The advertising revenue alone from people watching this show should be able to raise enough money to lower tuition for the majority of Texas schools (including UT). The host of this show is determined through an auction. If nobody wants to host, then I pick Matt LeBlanc. He hasn’t done anything since they tried to make that spinoff of Friends, so I’ll throw a little work his way.

Also, since I’m an out-of-stater, I want to make sure that all of the absentee ballots are counted. Those study abroad people have a right to vote too!

Students probably want to know where I stand on the controversial issues. Well here’s my stance on abortion: I’m for it, but not on campus. Gay Marriage? I didn’t even know that UT was legally able to marry people, straight or gay. The healthcare problem will be solved by a bunch of Pre-med students with overblown egos. Anytime someone on campus gets sick, they will seek the help of a Pre-med student. If the Pre-med student cannot find a cure for said sickness, all the patient needs to say is, “Well, I thought you were a doctor. Are you not a real doctor?” Upon muttering those words, the patient will make the Pre-med student feel inferior to the point where they will get a diagnosis and subsequent treatment. It may not be the right diagnosis or treatment (because they aren’t real doctors), but at least you won’t need to wait 2 effing weeks to get checked like you currently would at the SSB.

Now it’s time for me to blast my competition.

Apparently all of the candidates except for John Lawler/Terrance Maas and Thor Lund/Wills Brown campaigns were disqualified. Let’s see if I can pick these America-hating commies apart.

First, Thor Lund and Wills Brown. If you look on their website, under their Social Life platforms you will see that their plans are to "expand on campus events, most notably with fall and spring shows at The Tower," and "bring more well known comedians and lecturers to campus." Why are they limiting their campus events to just 2 seasons of the year and just 1 building? Why can't we have Cirque De Soleil perform at RLM during the Winter? I can make that happen!

Also, as a comedian myself, I can bring more well known comedians to campus than these fools can. Another platform of theirs is to "provide 24 hr. access to the Perry-Castaneda Library." Well, I just won't stand for that. They only want the library open for 1 day every year!? I will push to make sure that the library is open every hour of even day. They also want to "improve lighting in dimly lit areas on and off campus." If I'm taking an ugly girl home, and I'm about to get some, please don't ruin the experience for me. I'd rather just suffer the consequences the morning after when natural daylight shows me who she really is. Anyway I will hammer this Thor, and Wills will know what I'm talking about when I win the presidency.

Now for Lawler and Maas. On their website, they list many ideas under their platforms. It begins with “Fight against tuition increases and departmental budget cuts on campus.” I don’t think Mr. Lawler is doing enough. I, Brandon Greenspan, would like to DECLARE WAR on budget tuition increases and budget cuts across campus.

They also want to “Allow beer sales at UT-Austin sporting events in order to create funding for academic programs.” I would like to allow beer sales at academic events to create funding for our sporting programs. And why stop at beer? Make it hard liquor as well!

One of my opponent’s supporters is the United Students Against Sweatshops. Well, this should be an easy battle to see who will be able to distribute more campaign t-shirts.

Lastly, their campaign slogan is “Go Big.” Bevo is my running mate. You can’t go much bigger than Bevo, so shame on them for thinking that they can.

How can you support my campaign? I’m glad I asked myself. Apparently it’s proper to kiss babies when you’re running for office. As someone who used to work for the Special Victims Bureau, I personally think that’s reprehensible ... but someone needs to be kissing these babies so I can get elected. So if you see a baby on the street, just give it a big smooch, and tell ‘em that John Lawler sent you.