Disclaimer: This article does not aim to force the writer’s faith and or religion upon any reader, and is used only as subject to personal experience.

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“I asked myself, why do I not feel Jesus’ hands on my back? Why do I not hear Jesus’ voice in my ears? Why do I not see Jesus’ face staring into the ceiling of my fears? My mind screamed, please come back. Please, please, please come back.” These are some words to a poem I haven’t finished.

Still trying to answer these questions, I looked into the mirror and forced myself to attend the second Monthly Women’s Gathering of Alma de Mujer Center for Social Change entitled “Learning to Love Ourselves Better: An Intergenerational Conversation”.

The open discussion was sponsored by Alma, as a project of the Indigenous Women’s Network, last Wednesday evening on February 15.

The “platica” (therapeutic conversation) held inside La Peña housed four different generations of people, gathering in both song and speech to share their thoughts surrounding every aspect of struggling with and accepting love.

“It’s so valuable and healing when we are able to sit together, [being] vulnerable and honest with each other,” host Tk Karakashian Tunchez, spirit worker and author of both The Truth and Healing Project and The New Mythos Project, later wrote to me.

In attending the event, I realized that my past and present struggles with self-love are not something to be ashamed of, because we don’t deserve to be embarrassed by a truth that binds us together. Testimonies, Tunchez believes, is a powerful restorative tool towards owning our identities.

I was hesitant in attendance, because with the local Latino population being so tight-knit, I often felt exiled from my own community. Upon the separation from my dependent relationship, I frequently chose to exclude myself based on the ongoing fear of seeing someone whom I felt I wasn’t ready to.

And so my voice shook as I felt the need to speak in response to Alma council member, Yvette Mendez’s advice, as she elaborated on the effects of “loosing [yourself] in loving another person”.

“All hopes and illusions of what you think that person is, or what they should be, [are] also robbing you of your own happiness”; Mendez said, her voice strong in affirmation.

After reflecting from this, I acknowledge that I placed my peers into the various roles: protector, family member, closest friend, and partner. Thus in doing so, I fell into abuse because of the lack of strength I thought I didn’t have, or didn’t want to have. After, I had only become so vulnerable by falling in love.

“You think you love so much that you end up losing your own identity [it’s] a slow and painful death,” Mendez continued. “You can’t depend so much on the other person to be your savior.”

Upon hearing her speak, I remember feeling so anchored by my past suicidal thoughts, as it was my dependent relationship that forced me to seek help. Born disabled, I never wanted this life and body that God created me to live in.

And when I began using a walker, I was angry and I wanted to escape. Slowly, I became consumed - my mind, my body, my heart, my soul, every piece of me was someone else, because I didn’t want to trust God. Yet I trusted my dependent partners, since I so strongly believed that through those relationships, it was where I was first accepted for all of what I was truly made to be; it was where I thought I felt God’s love, unconditional and non-judgmental.

And it seems as though the older we get, love and heartbreak are simultaneous to growth. And representing a voice for the younger generation was Marleen Villanueva, UT student and co-founder of la Collectiva Femenil.
Although Villanueva says the thought of communicating so openly made her feel uncomfortable at first, she ultimately found re-assurance in the words of another participant who quoted Buddah in stating, “a heart that doesn’t break can never open wide”.

“It’ll break and re-break,” Villanueva said of her own heart, crediting time and distance as healing factors throughout her personal journey of self-love, which Mendez says is “about finding our path, reason, [and] purpose for being in the world”.

That night, I learned that each definition of love is unique to every person, holding a common root in forgiveness and health. The first step toward loving yourself is to keep loving; because as I heard an older participant, Rose Pullium say, “I wouldn’t give young people advice on love, I’d say love”.

In my separation, I’ve understood that to me, love is wanting what’s best for yourself and someone else, even if you’re not what’s best for each other. Because we can’t get someone to see that they’re hurting us if they can’t see that they’re hurting themselves.

I don’t believe in closure, but I believe in re-invention; in my truth, I found acceptance - as I am no different from any other person struggling from the loss of identity that comes hand in hand with either recovering from, or being involved in an abusive relationship. I will not resist self-love any longer, because we are one in our un-masked fight towards becoming who we are meant to be.

Most importantly, I realized that I found the strength to let go, only after trusting my faith that God will forever hold on.

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A special thank you to Cynthia Pérez, founder of La Peña, Anita Quintanilla, writer/activist, Gloria Quesada, Alma de Mujer council member, Het-Heru Matkeru owner of Het-Heru’s Chamber, and to every person who attended the event: because of your courage to speak, I am able to write, and hopefully find my own.