This week's 120 Proof & Proofread profiles common UT majors and their respective anthems.
Everyone is proud of his or her major ... I honestly don’t know why. When someone brags about their major, basically they're just announcing one minor achievement that stands alongside their many shortcomings. I mean, everyone knows the stereotypes... engineering majors have no life, business majors have no soul, and liberal arts majors have no brain, etc. However, as a comedian I can’t just repeat these stereotypes and expect laughs from you readers. So I decided to compare some of the more common majors at UT to songs.
Music Majors- “Bang the Drum All Day” by Todd Rundgren:
Just the chorus of this song describes them perfectly. “I don’t wanna work, I just wanna bang on the drum all day.” While some music majors are very talented at their craft and practice for many years to get where they're that, most of them just have no desire to deal with the real world. They will soon unfortunately learn that it’s impossible to start a garage band when you live mobile home.
Engineering & Architecture Majors- “Leave Me Alone” by Michael Jackson
These kids are geniuses; just like Michael Jackson when it came to music. After they graduate, they will make a lot of money, just like Michael Jackson (maybe a little less, give or take). Unfortunately, they also have the social skills of Michael Jackson. They keep to themselves, and if you aren’t one of them, they will shun you. However, they didn’t mean to turn you away because secretly inside they wish that more people would talk to them (and less people would falsely accuse them of sketchy behavior, even though they so seem like they would do something like that ...). Unfortunately even if they were more social, their busy schedule wouldn’t allow any social interaction. Sucks.
Liberal Arts Majors- “Baba O’Riley” by The Who:
This is one of the greatest rock songs of all times. While Liberal Arts majors are used to being made fun of, they “Don’t need to fight, to prove they’re right.” They may need to “Fight for their meals,” but they have the fulfillment of knowing that they chose what they love to do. Unfortunately that decision turned out to be a complete “Teenage Wasteland.”
Communications Majors- “Wouldn’t It Be Nice” by The Beach Boys
I myself am a communications major. To some it all up, I have devoted my college career to the study of bullshit. “Wouldn’t It Be Nice” fits here because it's a fun song, and comm school is a lot of fun. The people in it are outgoing, and the women in it look like they have spent some time at the beach. Unfortunately, most of us are just glorified liberal arts majors when it comes down to how meaningful our degrees our. Wouldn’t it be nice if we studied something way more useful?
Business Majors- “You’re So Vain” by Carly Simon
Business majors, you guys are probably so vain, you probably think this paragraph is about you. Actually in this case, you are right. Does an acceptance letter to McCombs come with a free subscription to the Wall Street Journal and a $10,000 gift card to Brooks Brothers? I understand dressing for success, but not dressing as success when you’re not even there yet. Imagine if Neil Armstrong just walked around NASA in his spacesuit just from day to day, 4 years before he went to the moon. That would get pretty effing annoying, right? Exactly!
Natural Science Majors- “It Just Comes Natural” by George Strait
Ok, that’s not your real song, but it wouldn’t be me if I’m writing an article that involves music and didn’t refer to George Strait at least once.
Natural Science Majors (for real this time)- “You + Me = Us” by 2gether
Your life is so full of equations, and you're so obsessed with your studies that you're probably the king of nerdy pickup lines. In fact you would probably enjoy solving an equation that adds up to 69 than the actual activity itself, but I digress. Also, by the off chance that you do end up on a date, you’ll probably ruin it by talking about how exactly the meal ended up on your plates. Meat + Grinder = Not pretty.
Social Work & Education Majors- “Nowhere Fast” by Josh Turner
You’ve already accepted the notion that you aren’t going to be famous or rich. Maybe you just love kids. Despite the fact that you have chosen a life full of minimal success, you have something unique about you that make people like you (like Josh Turner has a very deep voice). Enjoy your life in college because the real world is going to suck (not just for social work & education majors, this kind of applies to everyone).
Theater aka Theatre Majors- “You Can’t Stop the Beat” from Hairspray
Ok, in high school, I was a bit of a theater nerd. In fact, I went to high school with Nikki Blonsky, who helped make this song famous. Most theater nerds go on to become theater majors. They think that life is a never-ending show. It is not uncommon to see them just break out into random song or dance. Theater majors become somewhat narcissistic in their craft, and believe that they are fit for Broadway or Hollywood. There are 3 types of theater majors. The snobs, the crazies, and the nerds. Much like Hairspray united kids of different races and appearances, the theater unites these types of kids. However, they are living this absurd fantasy that nobody will be able to “stop the beat” of their dreams to stardom. If you’re so great, major in something else and just act on the side!
Plan II Majors- “What’s My Age Again?” by Blink 182
We don’t even know what your major is. Hell, you don’t even know what your major is. When you get your degree, you will be asking yourself, “What was I thinking? What did I just get a degree in? Can I go back and major in something else? Is it too late? What’s my age again?” We know you are intelligent because you are an honors student, but your cluelessness amuses us.