Photo Courtesy of the Houston Press
Take a breather from the SXSW madness and think of the children - recruit Peyton Manning as UT's new starting quarterback.
At The University of Texas, we like to aim high and reach for the stars. Right now we find our football program in the middle of a possible quarterback crisis, and the team is not meeting expectations set forth (and let’s not get started on the basketball team… women’s too). However, I see a quick fix to our quarterback problem. Like I said, at Texas we like to reach for the stars; and right now there is no bigger star that’s available than Peyton Manning. So let’s get Peyton Manning to play QB for Texas!
Now this is much easier said than done. First of all, there are rules against professional football players, college graduates, and players with an agent to play college football. Now all we need is the proper spin, and the backing of Disney to make a movie to get around this.
Once a prominent quarterback, they now tell him he CAN’T play!!! He’ll prove everyone wrong! The NCAA can take away his scholarship, but they can’t take away his passion for the game! Starring Peyton Manning, Eli Manning, Archie Manning, Cooper Manning, Dakota Fanning, Darque Spray Tanning, and Tom Hanks. Coming this fall to a football field near you.
For an organization that claims to care about kids so much, how could the NCAA turn down the prospects of a Disney movie, and a profitable one at that? Think of the children! Now think of the children all pissed off because you stripped them of joy. Thanks to you, the Mickey Mouse Club is now the Mickey Mouse Gang. Way to think of the children, NCAA.
Ok, now that the NCAA has released more violence into the world because they had morals and wouldn’t accept a co-sponsored bribe on behalf of UT and Disney, it’s time to think of another way to get Peyton Manning to play Quarterback for Texas. Even if we can get the NCAA to look the other way with the promise of a cheesy Disney movie, how do we get a man that was due to make $28 million last year to play for free?
Hypnosis comes to mind, but if someone in the stands snaps at the hot dog guy during a game, Peyton is gone. The answer is we don’t get him to play for free. Peyton is already a rich man, which means he has money to invest. It’s illegal to pay players to come to a school, but is it illegal for players to pay someone to come to a school? (Probably) Have someone like Red McCombs take some of Peyton’s money, and put it in a 4-year investment plan. Peyton will not be able to touch a cent of it until he “graduates.” He will leave Texas an even richer man than when he came here.
Once again, I’ve been informed that my latest plan is also highly unlikely and unethical, so I have one more idea. While you guys are reading this article on Tuesday, I am writing this on Friday. It occurred to me that maybe we don’t need Peyton Manning but just his brain and his talent. I say we still pitch the movie idea, but we change it up a bit and add Lindsay Lohan, Jamie Lee Curtis, Jason Bateman, and Ryan Reynolds. Now I know that the first two were in Freaky Friday, and the latter two were in some knock-off of Freaky Friday. In fact, did you know that Freaky Friday with Lindsay Lohan and Jamie Lee Curtis was actually a remake? Ok, I’m getting way off track here.Anyway, I have only seen parts of each movie and I get them both confused because they are basically they same film, just with one difference. One sucked, and the other blew.
Anyway, I say that David Ash and Peyton Manning go out for some Chinese food. They eat the fortune cookie, and then proceed to get drunk. They talk about how they wish they had the other person’s life at Littlefield fountain (although Peyton was just being sarcastic). Then they piss in the fountain. David Ash wakes up as Peyton Manning, and leads Texas to a championship. Even though Peyton Manning wakes up as David Ash, he realizes that he’s still good enough to start for the Broncos.