Dear Date Hater,

What you’re describing is none other than the circus we in the biz call, “the reality of dating.” Despite what Hollywood films have told us, daters can’t see a precious little candle molded from the earwax of virgins burning inside us when they first meet us. They instead see our asses and chests, listen to about 45.7% of the things we say, and evaluate us based on how well we perform the dating charade. Only after this fiasco do they decide if we can join the privileged few that can traverse their orifices. This is dating. If you experience something else on a date--something fun, perhaps--you should pursue that relationship, because most dates are awful events where the only meal served is awkwardness and the only desert is a shot of mortification.

Date Hater, don’t worry if a few people do not ‘go’ for you. Over 6 billion people live on this planet, and not all of them will want to jump your bones. Some of them won’t even like to be around you. Such is life.

Now, if you keep encountering the same problem on these dates—you aren’t inspiring the raging erection you desire in your date—you have a few options.

One, you can become angry with all men and condemn us like the shallow beasts we are. However, this choice may lead you to a life of loneliness and cat farming.

Two, you can fix whatever physical attribute is hindering your love life. Spending a few hours a week on a treadmill and washing your face daily won’t hurt you, I promise. But, I would draw the line at self-induced vomiting, plastic surgery, or any other drastic measures. Anyone who wants to date a stick with no enamel on his or her teeth or a Barbie doll is an asshole. Anyone who makes you feel as if you need to be perfect in order for them to love or appreciate you is an asshole. People are not perfect. You should find someone who accepts your imperfections.

Yet, there is a spackling of truth in your plight: humans, especially men, are incredibly visually driven. Those things we call “superficial” almost always factor into attraction. Despite the fact that our understanding of physical beauty is constructed by various social and cultural discourses, this understanding governs much of what attracts us, and the way we interact with each other. You can curse the media gods all you want, but these discourses still define the general perception of beauty. If you don’t fit this definition, you may not be considered ‘hot’. So it goes. But, I digress.

Three, you can dive into a different dating pool. If the types of men you’re pursuing don’t go for you, you may need to try some different men. Perhaps, you will never date a bodybuilding fireman; perhaps the track star is forever out of reach; perhaps, you will need to invest in a few paper bags to put over your lover’s head from time to time. Them’s the breaks, kid.

Lastly, you can wait ten years. You are at an age where all everyone wants to do is f*** beautiful people. As time passes and people’s bodies begin to sag, this outlook changes a bit. Many decide looks are not important at all, or, at the very least, not as important as they previously believed. Assuming you don’t have some terminal disease, you can always spend a decade or two with a tube sock and a bottle of lotion waiting for Mr. Right to have this realization. There are worse things.

What you decide to do, I leave up to you.

These are my words: abide.

-Dr. Toughlove

To email your own questions to Dr. Toughlove, reach him at thedoc@readthehorn.com.