Dear Operation,

Yes, your solution is encrusted with a few layers of cheese. In fact, I would say it’s a goddamn cliché. However, it may work. Here are the other possibilities I see.

1. Kill her. Obviously, the murder option has a few flaws. If you are caught and found guilty of murder, you could spend the rest of your life in prison with a cellmate named Klondike who may or may not call you Suzy and make you wear a wig made from a mop. Or, considering you are in Texas, you could be sentenced to ride the lightning in some desert town where you are served hot dogs and grits for your final meal, and the townsfolk only know you as the one who dimmed their porch lights from midnight and 12:04 a.m. Both of these scenarios are less than ideal.

2. Set this ‘she-devil’ up with another guy. This plan of attack will require some creativity. You will need to find a good-looking man, a neutral setting, and one or more bottles of booze. Ask this girl to meet you somewhere, and send this fellow instead. Tell him to walk up to her and lay down every pickup line in the book. Yet, before doing so, you should verify this fellow is not a bleeder. He may receive a slap or a swift kick to the testicles, and most bartenders hate mopping up blood.

3. Set your friend up with another girl. This solution follows the same steps as Option 2. The main difference is you should make sure this girl could withstand the current girlfriend’s rampage.

4. Walk away. Though I’m sure you will scoff at the idea of abandoning your friend, leaving him to his own devices is certainly an option. Your friend may need to hear, “I can’t be around the two of you because she drives me crazy,” to realize his girlfriend sucks. However, he may also choose her over you. If he does so, you can assume one of a few possibilities. This girl f****s like an animal; your friend is completely ‘whipped’; or this girl is a decent human being who is slightly socially inept. This last possibility brings me to my next option.

5. Evaluate what is best for your friend like a reasonable adult. I notice very little in your message about your friend’s happiness. Essentially, your letter reads as a complaint about being unable to have ‘bro-down’ time in which you drink beer, play Call of Duty, and fart as if your ass is an elephant choir warming up their trunks. If you only want to save your friend because you miss getting drunk and trolling for p***y with him, you need to grow up. People change, bud. If this girl makes your friend happy, deal with it like an adult and allow him to be happy despite the affects to your bromance. Everyone and everything changes. Sometimes your only choice is whether to adapt or not.

Here’s my suggestion Jack Black (or Steve Zahn). Read this list, compare it with your option, and choose number 5. This friend intervention you are planning should only be done if this girl is making your friend—not you—unhappy.

-Dr. Toughlove

To send in your own questions, email them in at thedoc@readthehorn.com.