Dear Anniversary Blues,

Welcome to the Anti-Hump stage of your relationship. Every couple strikes this sexless streak at some point. Some hit it after a few years, some a few months, and others a week or two. This experience is about as unique as a hobo fart on a city bus, and it can linger just as long. With time, many couples overcome the Anti-Hump in one of a few ways. They accept ‘I’m tired’ as a reason to avoid sex. They fantasize about some celebrity during intercourse. Or, they realize they are no longer stupid for each other, and each learns to deal with the other person as a fallible and somewhat disappointing human being.

With that said, here are a few suggestions for overcoming the Anti-Hump. Do with these, as you will.

1.Advocate for Your Needs. What I’m proposing here is rather simple. Discover what you want, and ask for it. Depending on your boy toy, you may find this conversation to be liberating or incredibly awkward. Regardless of how this conversation feels, you must remain honest. If you’re too embarrassed to tell your boyfriend you can’t ‘get your rocks off’ without a clitoral rubdown, you better prepare for years of sexual frustration, disgust with your partner and a library of dime store romance novels. Men do not intuitively know your needs, and as of now, Apple has not developed a telepathy app.

To learn your needs, you should evaluate your sexual experiences and, if you feel bold, research. Scour all the places you dare to tread on the Internet. Talk to your friends. Do what you need to do to learn what you want, and do not be embarrassed to ask for it.

2.Explore Uncharted Territory. While this option does not require you to let your boyfriend travel down your Hershey Highway, it does ask both parties to explore a bit. Try different positions, roles, orifices and pillow talk. If any of these changes feel too awkward or uncomfortable, stop. However, if you take this option, you should prepare a safe word like Eskimo, guacamole or fish sticks. It may be the only way to tell your partner your leg cramps are not an orgasm.

3.Incorporate a 3rd Party. Yes, some couples include others in the sack. Some have threesomes. Some engage in open relationships. Some allow others to watch them have sex. Others have unpermitted affairs. The latter are selfish assholes. Yet, these other relationships show that another body can add the splash of ‘picante’ you desire. Or, at the very least, this other person can serve as a point of ridicule.

However, do not choose this route if both parties do not fully and enthusiastically consent. That’s a guaranteed catastrophe.

4.Break Up. If you’re incredibly desperate for hot and sweaty sex, why not dump this pud and find someone else? Love may be important to some, but you may decide that unpredictable f***ing far outweighs the myth of ‘happily ever after.’ Don’t worry. Many make this decision. If you decide you are part of this group, you should break up with this guy.

5.Level with him. You should sit him down and explain your plight. If he is a half way decent human being, he’ll listen to you, and he may even voice some of his own complaints. Both of you must be ready to hear some rather unsettling news. He may hear his treasured French Tickler sucks, and you may hear you are the equivalent to a dead fish in bed. Be ready.

Listen kid, whichever option you choose, you must be honest and open with this dude. Also, you should both agree to whatever solution you choose. Otherwise, your relationship may erupt in a month or so when one of you cries, “I never really wanted whips! Everyone’s asking me weird questions at the pool!” Then, you’ll either break up or resume the Anti-Hump.

These are my words: abide.

Email your questions to thedoc@readthehorn.com