Dear Skinny Jeans,

Welcome to the land of spinach, dumb bells, and healthy bowel movements. Here, everyone shares teaspoons of Greek yogurt, twist the nipples of each other’s egos ever so slightly, and ogle their own physiques before full-length mirrors in their gyms. Your middle school P.E. teacher foretold of this magical place. You have arrived . . .

However, less has changed than you think. You may have more opportunities to meet men, but the same guidelines apply.

1. Be yourself. I suppose this suggestion is a little obvious. Don’t pretend to be Kiera Knightley because you now resemble a stick. You are still the same person who was buried under a few extra pounds. You will like similar personality types, and only certain men will like what lies beneath your freshly toned ass (aka you). I know it feels great to be fit, but don’t think this alters your foundational preferences. A six pack and perky breasts merely make it easier to attract a wider array of men: some who look like Brad Pitt and more than a few who resemble turds bathed in Axe body spray.

2. Know what you want. Though I’ve mentioned this notion in previous articles, it bears repeating. Anyone in the dating world who wishes to find happiness must know what he or she wants. If you haven’t already done so, you need to honestly evaluate what makes you happy, what you can tolerate, and what gets you off. Any person you intend to date and/or f--k for more than a few days should be at least satisfactory in each of these areas. Otherwise, you’re cruising into a future of frustration and masturbating in the shower.

3. Ask for what you want. Once you know what you want, you have to ask for it. Yes, this discussion could be a little awkward. But telling a clinger you are only looking for a one-night stand before you have sex, could save you a gargantuan headache as well as a restraining order. In much the same way, you can prevent awkward sexual guesswork by clearly stating you want him to go down on you before any sort of thrusting begins. Be honest and up front with your expectations and desires.

4. Be sure to say no to what you don’t want. Your newfound body will likely attract more men. Let me warn you as a male; some of us are absolute shit (as are some women). Most of us are decent enough unless locked in that perfect storm of liquor and sexual arousal. In this stage, the dog comes out, and this man just wants a smooth leg to hump. I suggest avoiding any man in this stage.

But, you will find a few men who jolt your libido. Respond to any who don’t tickle your tunnel with a simple, “Thanks, but no thanks.” If these misfits continue to bother you, tell them to f--k off.

4. Make your ‘triumphant entry’ in a way that is comfortable for you. You seemingly want to make a notable entrance onto campus. Here, you need to think about what you want out of this return. Let’s be honest. Walking into a frat party in the formal equivalent of a bikini elicits a vastly different response than entering one in a t-shirt and shorts. The prior will likely evoke a few third arm salutes, female jealousy, and some unwanted attention. The latter will likely still attract men, incite some form of jealousy, and perhaps only call over the wheezing creeper known as Melvin. Let me be clear here. I am not saying women must change their behavior because of a few men who lose their decency at the first glimmer of cleavage, far from it. I am simply stating that you will want to think about what you want out of your reentry. Do not feel pressured to dress a certain way or act a certain way for any approval. Be confident, and get what you want: whatever that may be.

These are my words: abide.

Dr. Toughlove