Dear Distressed Driver,

As any serious drinker or college student will tell you, experiences like this may occur anytime liquor is involved. All it takes is someone who forgets to apply the brakes. This person may be having a bad week, mourning a recent break up, or hankering for a night in which he or she drunk dials their exes and awakes covered in Taco Bell wrappers and hot sauce. Having some guidelines for the “Oh shit, Sheila’s screaming and belching whiskey and burgers,” kind of night is important. The following may prevent more than a few headaches.

1. If you are driving her home, drive your own car. This rule seems obvious, but in the moment, it’s easy to forget. Then, before you know it, you’re stuck in Pflugerville holding back a woman’s hair as she praises the porcelain gods and texting friends to save you. Though this experience makes for an interesting story, it sucks. Take your own car. Make sure she finds her bed and sleeps on her side. Then, leave your number and go home.

2. Know the signals. Here, I am talking about a few different signals. The first involves her level of drunkenness. I understand you two were enjoying each other’s company before she overdid it. But, if she is too drunk to drive home, she is too drunk to hook up. Don’t be an asshole by sliding in for a feel. Drop her off at home then leave. If you like this girl and would like to fool around with her, make sure both of you remain sober enough to clearly say, “Is it all right with you if I stick my tongue in your orifices.” If one of you overdoes it in the drink department, the game is off.

3. If it doesn’t happen on the couch, it’s not happening. Though pouring her a glass of water and sending her to bed is probably your best option, I suppose this may be difficult to do. If the rum has driven you mad, your pecker is a raging monolith, and she is sober enough to cognizantly consent, make your move on the couch. Consider this locale your testing ground. If she shrugs at your advances, scratch a notch in the failure belt, go home, and furiously masturbate in your tears and sexual frustration. I hate to say it kid, but even the best of us have had those nights. So it goes.

Though this list is a bit short, I think these suggestions will point you in the right direction and spare you from a debacle or two. Take them, as you will.

These are my words: abide.

Dr. Toughlove

Please send any questions you may have to thedoc@readthehorn.com.

Also, Dr. Toughlove will be speaking at the University of Texas in late October about male behavior, sexuality, and sex. If you have any questions related to this subject matter and would like Dr. Toughlove to discuss them, please send them to thedoc@readthehorn.com.