Photo courtesy Jason St. Peter
The Horn's Todd Balazic provides some laughs with his "transcript" of an interview with Bevo.
As we all know, UT’s beloved mascot, Bevo, is notoriously shy when it comes to speaking with the press. But we here at The Horn have achieved yet another journalistic milestone: an exclusive interview with Bevo. We arranged for legendary “steer whisperer” Tex Chapman to ask Bevo the questions we’ve all been wanting answers to for so long. Here is the transcript of their conversation.
Tex: Bevo, thanks for agreeing to speak with me today.
Bevo: Thanks for the alfalfa.
Tex: No problem. So, let’s start with the basics. What’s it like being the mascot of a school as prestigious as the University of Texas?
Bevo: It has its ups and downs, you know. I get free room and board, and the benefits are great (the co-pay is quite reasonable whenever I need to see the vet). And I get into the games for free, which is nice, I suppose.
Tex: You suppose?
Bevo: Well, the truth is I’m not really that into football. I mean, it’s okay, but I prefer soccer. But that’s not something a steer from Texas wants to go around telling people.
Tex: No, it isn’t.
Bevo: I mean, there are other groups I could lend my support to. The swim team, for example. I was thinking I could do a cannonball into the pool before each meet. You know, bless the water with my mojo. But they tell me that would be unsanitary. Unsanitary. That’s what they said to me.
Bevo: And there’s more to campus life than sports, you know. I’m a huge fan of classical music, but they won’t even let me into the Bass Concert Hall for concerts and recitals. Also—and a lot of people don’t know this about me—I have some pretty strong political commitments. There are a lot of causes I’d like to support on campus, but every time I try to attend a protest my trainer shoots me with a tranquilizer gun.
Tex: Well, it’s a different world we’re living in post-9/11.
Bevo: Tell me about it.
Tex: Bevo, this is an awkward question to ask, but the issue needs to be addressed. There’s a rumor going around that you plan to move to Oklahoma when you retire. Is that true?
Bevo: That’s a goddamn filthy lie! I wouldn’t be caught dead in Oklahoma. I had a cousin who lived in Oklahoma once. There he was, eatin’ some grass, when a nearby meth lab exploded and burned off all his hair. And don’t even get me started on the cows up there. You think your average cow is stupid? Try discussing art or literature with an Oklahoma cow. You know the phrase “cow-eyed expression”? Well, that’s where it comes from.
Tex: Thanks for clearing that up. Now, as you’ve already mentioned, you’re generally associated with the football program. Have you developed any lasting relationships with the players or coaching staff?
Bevo: Well, Mack Brown and I are pretty close. He was really shaken up after he had to fire [offensive coordinator] Greg Davis, and I think he just needed somebody to talk to. But he kind of started telling me his whole life story. Stuff I really didn’t need to know, like how he dreamed of being a ballet dancer when he was young, or the time he got kicked out of his old punk band, The Mack Daddies, for playing a minor seventh chord during the chorus. He’s under a lot of pressure, you know. Sure, he makes five million dollars a year, but sometimes there are responsibilities that you can never be adequately compensated for.
Tex: Bevo, I can’t help but notice that you sound a little disgruntled. But be honest now: Isn’t it a rush to be standing in the end zone at home games, soaking up the adoration of the crowd?
Bevo: It’s not all it’s cracked up to be, I assure you. I mean, there are certain occasions... Well, let me put it this way: when nature calls, nature friggin’ calls, man. And that can be rough. Try taking a dump in front of ninety thousand people. It’s embarrassing. Then of course I feel bad for the guy who has to clean it up. Now there’s a shitty job, no pun intended.
Tex: But surely there must be times when you enjoy your celebrity?
Bevo: Don’t get me started on celebrity. There are some real weirdos out there, let me tell you. I’ve had people who wanted to be stepped on, kicked in the groin, you name it. Then of course there are the horns. Everybody wants to touch my horns. And it creeps me out. I mean, how would you feel if somebody wanted to touch your horn?
Tex: I suppose it would depend on who’s asking.
Bevo: True that. Listen, I don’t mean to sound bitter here. It’s just that a lot of people don’t take my concerns seriously. What with my bovine heritage and all.
Tex: Fair enough. Now, we’ve established that moving to Oklahoma is out of the question. So, what are your plans for retirement?
Bevo: Well, my main objective is not to be slaughtered and eaten. It’s in my contract that I’m supposed to live out my remaining days “at ease in green pastures.” But they tell that to everybody, don’t they?
Tex: They sure do. Bevo, it’s been a pleasure...
Bevo: Hey, one last thing.
Bevo: You know that Boz Scaggs’ song, “Lido”? I think they should change the lyric from “Lido” to “Bevo” and play it before every home game.
Tex: That’s... I’m sure the athletic department will give your suggestion serious consideration.
Bevo: They damn well better.
Tex: Bevo, on behalf of the entire Longhorn Nation, I thank you for your time.
Bevo: The pleasure was all mine.