Dear Lonely Pud,

Listen, kid. Five years ago, I would have laughed at your question as a social pariah. However, many now view digital dating as a reasonable companion finder, or, at the very least, an avenue which should not be viewed as ‘I-live-with-my-mother-and-masturbate-while-listening-to-The-Eagles central’. As a result, I’ll humor you. But, I only do so to avoid a blitzkrieg of hate mail from Internet daters who happen to read my article between bouts of orc slaying in World of Warcraft. I digress. Prepare yourself for Dr. Toughlove’s Guide to Ok Cupid.

DO’S

1. MAKE YOURSELF SEEM INTERESTING. For some, this may require creative thought. However, such mental exercise could actually make you interesting. While reducing what people want in a significant other to a simple definition may be impossible, I do feel most want someone intriguing. What this means in the world of online dating is simple: Make yourself appear as someone who does more than work, watch Big Bang Theory, and play Wii Tennis. The same could be said of someone whose hobbies only include: bench presses, curls, squats, leg lifts, and crunches. Do not paint yourself as a one-dimensional person. These types of stock characters never get laid (except in horror movies where they are killed shortly thereafter). They are discarded in the first act, and the same will happen to you unless you are interesting.

2. LOOK FOR MORE IN A POTENTIAL MATE THAN APPEARANCE. Yes, there is more to a woman than a big rack and a tight ass, and there is more to a man than a sizable member and big muscles. These things are fantastic for an evening or two or possibly even a few months. However, these sex organs eventually lose their luster, and the passing of their shimmer leaves you with just a person: flawed, vulnerable, and able to transform into an asshole in a single bound. If you want this person for no other reason than their ability to give you an erection or lube your love tunnel, you will quickly find this ability fades with your physical infatuation with their body parts. These sites list everyone’s interests, likes, and dislikes. All you need to do is read and use your brain. In short, try to find someone who shares at least one interest with you.

DON’T’S

1. DO NOT USE A PICTURE OF YOUR GENITALS AS A PROFILE PICTURE. Despite what others may have told you, the world—and a pair of legs for that matter—does not open itself to any dude who thinks he’s packing heat. In fact, most women will think you are an idiot devoid of any sort of intelligence or social ability. You should avoid this impression at all costs. It will only make your cyber dating world mirror your physical one. I suspect you would like to avoid this situation. As for any ladies reading this article, posting a vaginal photo shoot will attract quite a bit of attention. However, I do not think you will enjoy sifting through a thousand emails in which aging men recant their fantasies of you and them taking a one-way train to Pound Town.

You should instead post a variety of recent photos that show you are an interesting person. Remember, you want to appear three-dimensional.

2. DON’T USE THE ONLINE WORLD AS A PLACE TO FULFILL YOUR FANTASIES. What I mean here is quite simple. If your ultimate goal is to meet the person you encounter on the web, you must understand that, at a certain point, whatever fantasy you create online will one day collide with reality. In other words, this person will realize you are not a champion body builder or a Nobel Prize winner. Perhaps more importantly, this person will eventually discover the wad of problems that is you. Be ready for it.

Though this list is a tad short, I think it should send you in the right direction. If you’re looking for love in other places, the best advice I can give you is to grow a pair, be decent, and make yourself stand out. No one wants to date someone who is overly timid, rude, or a fly on the wall. Anyways, I wish you the best of luck in cyber space, buckwheat.

These are my words: abide.

-Dr. Toughlove

To send your own questions in, email them at thedoc@readthehorn.com