The weather’s getting warmer, and spring has begun. So you know what that means sports fans...NHL Playoffs! Wait, what? How is there still hockey? I was just at Gregory Pool yesterday checkin’ out all the ladie—tanning...I mean swimming laps to keep my athletic figure. I was having so much fun swimming laps, and now I have to write this article. No! I’m not letting hockey take this away from me. Now, if I can just come up with a compromise between hockey and my indulgences, I won’t need to cover it anymore! Here we go!

Dear Hockey,

You are cool (pun intended). While you and the essence that surrounds you is pretty cool, I need some time off to give the appearance to my boss that I’m strengthening my core. Also, I have a source that says Miss Daisy has been calling me fat behind my back, which has been getting in the way for me to inappropriately hit on women in the office. I feel like I can learn a lot from you by staying fit and cool. Also, I feel that if I can add a touch of Canadian charm to my character, the hitting on women part wouldn't be so hard (you would think, right?) So I have devised a plan for the both of us. Under the following conditions I promise to watch you for the entirety of the playoffs as long as I don’t have to cover you for work anymore.

1. I’m not paying the air conditioning bill for everybody. If you have to play your little game in a puddle, so be it. Don’t think you have leverage on this one either. The second I call it a “green initiative,” everyone is on my side.

2. Add a 24 second shot clock like in basketball. I would love to see that sense of urgency.

3. You have to sing the national anthem of the country of every single player playing in the game. If you’re going to make me stand through the Canadian national anthem, then I’m going to make you stand through everyone else’s.

4. The person singing the national anthems has to skate on the ice without an escort. Everyone else plays by those rules, they should be treated the same. In fact, if you don’t like the country whose national anthem is being sung at the moment, you should have the full on right to crosscheck the singer.

5. Make crosschecking legal so the previous one doesn’t sound too cruel.

6. Force all other sports to “substitute” their substitution systems with yours. I want to see some crazy fast breaks in basketball.

7. Every goal that Claude Giroux scores is worth 2. Don’t question my logic.

8. When the refs call a penalty, they have to throw a yellow puck on the rink. You may ask why not a flag like the NFL. Apparently the NFL trademarked the yellow flag in the last CBA, and personally I think having more pucks on the ice (ones that have nothing to do with the actual game might I add) is way more entertaining.

9. Fighting can be challenged by either player with a game of Tug-of-War.

10. Get Gus Johnson to do play-by-play for the Stanley Cup. I will aid and abet his kidnapping if it will get the job done.

So that’s all I really have. Shit, I promised the sports editor that I would make a Stanley Cup prediction. Um...New Jersey Devils over Vancouver Canucks. How’s that for an illogical prediction? I’m talking about referring to New Jersey as “champions.”