This is weird for me. When I was a kid, baseball was my favorite sport. Right now, I would have to say that it has been replaced by football. As a sports radio personality and as a die-hard LA Dodgers fan, I am definitely not clueless about the sport of baseball. However, since I am such an avid sports fan, I can tell you more than anyone that anything can happen in the world of sports...well almost anything. The f***ing Orioles aren’t winning the World Series this year, and the Cubs won’t win it this century. When it comes to making sports predictions, putting actual analysis takes a lot of work. And most of the time, it results in the wrong one. So I would rather just take random shots in the dark and hope that a few hit.

AL East

Baltimore Orioles, Boston Red Sox, New York Yankees, Tampa Bay Rays, Toronto Blue Jays

Analysis: Earlier in this article, I pretty much said that the Orioles have no f***ing chance. Even though I am aware that is using baseball logic, I am being a man of my word. I don’t want a team from Canada to win the division. Also, since when was a city like Toronto known for its wildlife? The Rays, now that is a good animal team name. If it could kill Steve Irwin (f*** you, it’s not too soon), surely it could kill its opponents in baseball. I don’t want to start one of those North v. South debates that constantly happen on TotalFratMove, but the Yankees didn’t do all that bad. Lastly, the Red Sox do not know how to spell. Sox is not the plural of sock. I have the worst grammar out of all of the writers at The Horn, and even I know that!

Winner: Tampa Bay Rays

AL Central

Cleveland Indians, Chicago White Sox, Detroit Tigers, Kansas City Royals, Minnesota Twins

Analysis: White Sox are out for the same reason as the Red Sox. Changing the color doesn’t change the terrible grammar. I think every college student should hate the Twins. In the age of promiscuous sex, what is worse than a baby? Two babies! And herpes...and a state that thinks Michelle Bachman is sane. So that leaves the Indians, Tigers, and Royals left. If all 3 of them were in a battle, the Royals would sit in their ivory towers while the Indians and Tigers took each other out.

Winner: K.C. Royals

AL West

Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, Oakland Athletics, Seattle Mariners, Texas Rangers

Analysis: The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim is such a fucking stupid name that I don’t even feel like bleeping that one out (I bet you readers didn’t even realize that I had the choice to bleep things out all along). The other teams in this division aren’t named The Dallas-Fort Worth Rangers of Texas, The San Francisco Athletics of Oakland, or The Mariners of The Greater Seattle-Tacoma Metropolitan Area. I have a really hard time understanding how the Mariners are able to play baseball games if they are always bound at sea. While I cannot ignore the athletic ability of Oakland, nobody beats Chuck Norris and the Texas Rangers.

Winner: Texas Rangers

AL Wild Card #1: NY Yankees
AL Wild Card #2: Oakland Athletics
AL Wild Card Game: Yankees over A’s

ALCS: Texas Rangers over Tampa Bay Rays

NL East

Atlanta Braves, Miami Marlins, New York Mets, Philadelphia Phillies, Washington Nationals

Analysis: I have the All-American matchup here with the home of the Brave v. The Washington Nationals. Before I call a winner on that matchup, let me at least disqualify the other teams first.

Who would ever pick the Mets? They are known for losing! Any NY area sports team with the suffix “ets” is known for losing. It doesn’t matter if they play in New Jersey, Queens, or soon to be Brooklyn. You can put them anywhere, and they will suck. In fact, the Mets just finished settling for $162 million in the Bernie Madoff case making it even harder for them to be as bad as they were beforehand. Now they don't have the money to make incredibly stupid free-agent signings. How about a crazier conspiracy theory where I can tie the New York Mets with John Gotti? The year Mr. Met became a mascot, 1964, was the same year that John Gotti Jr. was born. Mr. Met seems like an innocent mascot with a baseball for a head, but he was really used as a mafia recruiting tool. Baseballs are supposed to be hit by bats. Obviously, if the mafia could produce a giant baseball that was always around children, they could see how hard children could swing a bat. While Mr. Met was discontinued in the 70’s, there was a request to bring it back in 1992...the same year that John Gotti was convicted. Mr. Met was officially brought back into action in 1994, the year that the Supreme Court denied John Gotti’s appeal. It makes perfect sense that they would need to find new members for the Gambino crime family once Gotti was convicted. Once they knew he wasn’t getting out, they needed them ASAP. Keep in mind that all of this takes place in Queens, and you’ve got yourselves a conspiracy. So don’t let your kids anywhere near Mr. Met!

Now...where was I?...

Unless the Phillies named their team after horses, it wouldn’t be a bad name...but I’m not buying it. Were you guys really that lazy to find a team name? Then you have the Miami Marlins who changed names, logos, uniforms, stadiums, drug dealers, and so forth. And seriously, what the f**k is up with their uniforms?!

“What are our team colors?”

“I don’t know man, let’s just pick every color!”

“That’s f**king brilliant! Let’s call the new drug dealer to celebrate! He can design the uniforms.”

Now I have the Washington Nationals, which sounds really patriotic. Plus, they do play in our nation’s capital. However, I’m taking Atlanta because “The land of the free, and the home of the brave” is directly from The Star-Spangled Banner. Also, the Braves at least know how to spell their team name correctly...am I right, “Natinals?”

Winner: Atlanta Braves

NL Central

Chicago Cubs, Cincinnati Reds, Houston Astros, Milwaukee Brewers, Pittsburgh Pirates, St. Louis Cardinals

Analysis: It’s baseball season, which means that the Cubs are out of it. The Astros are so bad, that they’re the only pro sports team that should consider signing Brett Favre and Allen Iverson. It couldn’t possibly make them worse. The Cincinnati Reds and the Cleveland Browns both have me convinced that the state of Ohio has no f***ing idea how to name a sports team. What do those colors have to do with their respective cities? Is everyone in Cleveland full of shit? Is everyone in Cincinnati on their period (autocorrect suggests I use his or her instead of the word their...that’s just weird)? If you look at the Cardinals logo, you might wonder how those 2 birds hold up a whole baseball bat. I’m thinking steroids. Well more power to them - no, literally. The last 2 teams are the Pittsburgh Pirates and the Milwaukee Brewers, which if you combined them both, sounds like it could be a really fun booze cruise. Unfortunately, Pittsburgh’s only bodies of water are 3 rivers, none of which lead to international waters. How can you go wrong with 162 days of beer?

Winner: Milwaukee Brewers

NL West

Arizona Diamondbacks, Colorado Rockies, LOS ANGELES DODGERS, San Diego Padres, Those A**holes from San Francisco

Analysis: I suppose you want to root for those a**holes from San Francisco? Well f*** that, and f*** you too! Bias? What bias? Just because I grew up in Los Angeles doesn't mean anything!

Winner: LOS ANGELES DODGERS

NL Wild Card #1: St. Louis Cardinals
NL Wild Card #2: Arizona Diamondbacks
NL Wild Card Game: Cardinals over Diamondbacks

NLCS: Atlanta Braves over St. Louis Cardinals

World Series: Atlanta Braves over Texas Rangers